Feeling like I have an alter ego
I try and find me and wonder where did me go
Trying to decide who is the real me
Alter ego or not will I ever see
The layers are many and thick
I don’t know which me is me to pick
This makes me feel lost and confused
Isolated and bemused
Am I the me that’s trapped as a child?
The young boy onto whom misery was piled
Am I the me that is the young boy abused?
The young boy who was continually used
Am I the me that married at 24?
The young man in an abusive marriage until I walked out the door
Am I the me that’s trapped by my father’s murder?
The young man by now unable to show love and or care
Am I the me that’s confused by the divorce?
A man feeling like life had lost its course
Am I the me that’s devastated by the loss of the twins?
A man who thought he’d lost everything
Am I the me that’s the survivor of The Clutha Disaster?
A man who could not deal with what came after
Am I the me that worries about my throat tumour?
A man who disguised all his fear with humour
Am I the me that fears why I blacked out ?
A man plagued by fear and doubt
Am I the me that is terrified of being a father?
A man so terrified he read all the info he could gather
Am I the me that was hospitalised?
A man who’s fears were finally realised
Am I the me who is terrified daily by his breakdown?
A man crippled by the fear of an institutional gown
Am I the me that worries about this grievance?
A man who believes he has no chance
Am I the me that is terrified of the discipline?
A man who fears his chances are thin
Am I the me worried by what the future holds?
A man who has no destiny or goals
Am I the me that feels lonely in the crowd?
A man who hears the inner critic voice so loud
Am I the me that knows he is losing his memory?
A man who worries what people think of me
Am I the me that pretends that I am fine with a smile?
A man so helpful he would go the extra mile
Am I the me who is triggered by his mother?
A man who doesn’t care about his sister or brother
Am I the me who is trapped by routine?
A man who replays what has already been
Am I the me that is happy to end my life?
A man who wants to leave behind his son and wife
Am I the me that worries about cash?
A man that acts so irresponsible and rash
Am I the me who feels love when his son says I wuv oo?
A man who simply doesn’t know what to do
Am I the me that has a wall around his heart?
A man with feelings that don’t know where to start
Am I the me who Is continually in denial?
A man who continually feels on trial
Am I the me that people think they see?
A man that has no idea who to be
Am I the me who lives with fear every day?
A man crippled by the fear more than he could say
Am I the me that wakes with hypervigilance?
A man so worried about living that he doesn’t give himself a chance
Am I the me who is worried sitting in company?
A man scared of being judged for what I may say
Am I the me who thinks no-one is a friend?
A man who thinks he will be alone until the end
Am I the me that is always insecure?
A man who’s relationships are all so poor
Am I the me always filled with anxiety?
A man who sees disaster where others cannot see
Am I the me who swims in the depths of depression?
A man who can never learn his life’s lessons
Am I the me that is so scared of having fun?
A man who wants to run away and run
Am I the me that wishes I had never been born?
A man who feels all of life’s thorns
Am I the me that is filled with despair?
A man who wishes he had never been here and there
Am I the me that wishes he had a terminal disease?
A man who could the end his life and be free
Am I the man who is scared of what he is doing?
A man who is happy to lead his life to ruin
Am I the me with such low self esteem?
A man who is terrified of his dreams
Am I the me who sees the world as a difficult place?
A man who struggles to be part of the human race
Am I the me that hears voices in his head?
A man who believes everything that they’ve said
Am I the me that feels empty inside?
A man with nowhere to hide
Am I the me that cannot escape myself?
A man who has problems with his mental health
Am I the me that is scared of what’s to come?
A man who knows nothing more than to be numb
Am I the me so hurt by betrayal?
A man left lonely every time without fail.
Am I the me that never feels normal?
A man so consumed in his career so formal
Am I the me terrified of being found out?
A man so full of self doubt
Am I the me so scared he shouts?
A man too scared to ever go out
Am I the me that will figure things out?
A man who can be free from this doubt
Am I the me that will overcome?
A man who can realise how much he has done
Am I the me who can see his life is unique?
A man who is strong and not weak
Am I the me who can see he is a survivor?
A man who will realise just what living is for.
About The Author
My name is Michael Byrne, I’m 49 and reside in Glasgow (Scotland) with my beautiful wife and son.
I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) as a result of surviving many traumatic events in my life including childhood abuse, the violent murder of my father, a helicopter crashing into a bar that I was in (it’s known as The Clutha Disaster in Glasgow) and numerous life threatening events.
I am a survivor not a victim.
In November 2018, in conjunction with a local Mental Health Charity called Stigma Free Lanarkshire, we released a free to download chapbook of my poetry called Poems From A Mod: My Journey Through Trauma, Survival And Recovery. The purpose of the chapbook is to provide hope and inspiration to other survivors.
The free to download chapbook can be downloaded from my Twitter bio or my blog.
You can follow me on Twitter via @poemsfromamod, on Instagram via Poems From A Mod and cia my blog at www.poemsfromamod.wordpress.com